What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 14:09
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What do you do you do if your motorcycle chain snaps while riding on the highway?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was seconnd youngest,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I will be 64.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
What causes you to be tired all the time and major headaches?
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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He knew the spot.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I don,t even have a pension.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was 9 years of age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She wouldn,t have been !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I write beautiful poetry .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She loved him until the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My family never makes their pension either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im still living with it.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I have no regrets .
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She found it foreign!.
She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was scared of men, in general
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When she asked me how she looked .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Comes on , in middle age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was in good health!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We all went to grammer schools
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ive learnt so much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I said to her
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But, we were locked up after school.